As you may have noticed from my previous blog, my surgery is history, my recovery is five days along and doing pretty well. Doing a lot of sleeping/resting, and feeling very fuzzy and weak. Anesthetic takes awhile to get out of the system. Nevertheless, as God/my Guides informed me in my pre-surgery anxiety, I have much more to do/experience in this life, so I’m preparing to move onward and upward.
It may seem rather arrogant to think I am a Cosmic Messenger, but I have had this sense for many years that Source IS giving me messages to pass along to this dimension, even though many of them appear to be trivial. Please don’t shoot me. I’m only the messenger.
According to many channellers and psychics I have been reading, April is going to be a very energetically chaotic month. I have been feeling the effects of this rising energies for days now. I don’t think it is caused by my surgery. My brain and my eyes have been fuzzy, and the ringing in my ears has increased. I awoke at 4am this morning for bathroom duty, but then I couldn’t get back to sleep. I attempted to meditate for an hour, but I seemed to be distracted by noises and a barrier of some sort. It was as if my physical self was preventing me from centring and focusing. I am feeling a buzzing throughout my body and limbs, as well as a tenseness, as if there is something about to happen, or is happening.
I’m going back to the basics of meditation. I think I have been caught up in the details/ mechanics of meditating. In my frustration, I have been creating my own barrier by retreating to my intellect. The word ‘allowing’ comes to me at this moment. My Guides are coaching me to let go and trust them and my own higher Self to take the lead. For me that’s been the biggest challenge. It’s like someone who spent their whole life being in survival mode, always on guard, never trusting anyone – much like an abused animal, or someone who has been a prisoner, or hostage, for years – like the people of Sudan and South Africa. It brings to mind the 1978 song, “By the Rivers of Babylon” sung by Boney M – How do you sing the Lord’s song in a strange land? When I listened to them sing it on YouTube I cried.
The question I have now is, Why do I have this constant feeling that I am from somewhere else? As if I don’t belong here – never really feeling like I belong. Often the thought has crossed my mind that everything looks unfamiliar, whether it’s in a city or in nature. Symptoms of Ascension have included the unsettling thought that one is going crazy, going out of one’s mind. Maybe that is more accurate. To be out of one’s mind is to be in spirit/soul. But even more unsettling is it’s almost like being in limbo – neither in the physical world or in a higher dimension. Is that what 4D is like? Neither here nor there? It’s very confusing and disorienting, sometimes sad and despairing.
I began this post with a positive outlook in recuperating from surgery. I intended to move “onward and upward.” But now I’m wondering just where I am and what direction I’m going. Perhaps I’m just thinking too much, and I should just go with my gut. I think I will ask my Guides.